A New Era for UGMo

Last night marked the beginning of what I assume will rapidly become the next insane chapter in the lives of the UGMo community. Guest Lecturer Mal has returned from her semester doing research on International Relations in Spain and soon Tour Guide Ray, Dean JToy and many others will be arriving in the 'trose as well. I predict things will soon escalate to a whole new level. What the hell am I talking about, things have already escalated. Armed with a bottle of Jack Daniels (always a dangerous situation for me...), I unintentionally wreaked havoc on my own life and likely those of my fellow faculty members. I'm not prepared to divulge the full extent of my actions in this public forum, but we'll leave it at the fact that it was yet another night that I should not have left the SoMoToHo. No stop signs or cops were involved this time, thankfully, but I really need to learn to listen when Prof. Tim attempts to remove liquor from my possession. With my history, I wouldn't be surprised if others also tried to protect me from myself, but at the same time, I can't remember it if they did...

Studying Abroad

In addition to Dean Jtoy's list of courses for this coming quarter, I'd also like to propose a Study Abroad option. This idea came upon me when one of UG's prized students sent me this instant message from Sevilla a few minutes ago:

"haha. so i just fucked a guy and he's sitting right here. but he's spanish, so he has no idea what i'm writing!! haha!
gotta go now. just wanted to tell someone. love ya mucho mucho mucho!!!!!!"

Not only does this comment prove that someone has already begun her work on the catalogue of courses listed by Dean Jtoy, but it also demonstrates the dire need for us all to go to Spain (or anywhere but here) and get laid. In the wish of finding our own "Spring Awakening," I would like to list the possible study abroad options that lay before us. We may not all be able to go to Cabo for Spring Break with everyone and their mother in a sombrero, but we can at least find a way to go on vacation indefinitely while our parents or schools pay for it. On that note, here are some of the possibilities I am pleased to announce are available for students and faculty at the University of Guantanamontrose.

1. Shrooming in Hermann Park with friends visiting from Austin.
2. Cruising at the Bark Park with Professor Tim.
3. Getting black out and fucking in a pick-up truck bed with commentary by Mal via webcam.
4. Tubing down Buffalo Bayou with the Bringer of Lulz.
5. Living vicariously through Tour Guide Ray and Chancellor Steven's european and Thailand facebook albums.
6. Exploring the room of bathtubs through the midget door at Notsuoh's with Avsters.
7. Visiting Adam and Patrick in Austin for SXSW.
8. Stealing a plane and flying to New Orleans for Mardi Gras. Oh wait, too late...
9. Stealing a plane and flying to Duke to visit Jtoy.
10. Hijacking one of those rockets on display at NASA and flying on it to the moon. Or maybe just Seville...
11. Selling Sasquatch (or the pink, sparkled, assless chaps Justin stole from me because he's clearly sexually frustrated and in the closet) and using the money to visit Evelyn B in Amsterdammy.
12. Yarwell and yarwell.

Applications are due by March 31st (a special someone's birthday;) so start your essays!

25 Things You Must Not Know Bout Me

1. When Jpatt and Sasquatch are asleep, I go in their room and watch them.
2. Mollie and I are starting to deal, and we’re accepting PayPal.
3. I never paid you back for the pink hairspray from the glam rock party
4. And I’m never going to.
5. Jordan Catalano will always have a place in my heart, and no matter what.
6. I had that cute freshman kicked out of the university so that I could ask him out.
7. After our date at Ripcord, he said that he’s not interested in being my twink slave before pickpocketing me and spending $50 at James Coney Island on my parents’ Visa.
8. Nobody should own molasses anyway. It’s weird.
9. The hazelnut handsoap in the downstairs bathroom is actually rancid backwash queso.
10. I seriously didn’t make out with anyone at the Christmas tree decorating party, so STOP giving me that judgmental eye.
11. I did make out with Jamal and Mitch from Dream Phone at the slumber party. I’d had three bellinis!
12. My dad found three champagne corks in the pool pump after New Years.
13. Mallory, it cost $25 to clean the blanket you/Peter/Jackson soiled that night.
14. Sometimes I wonder if there is still a contact stuck in the back of my eye from the Halloween party.
15. I actually do want to go to Dubai, but fear capture by Somalian pirates.
16. I also wish I’d been at the 2008 Iowa State fair and tried the Salad on a Stick.
17. I stole Kim’s purse and blamed it on the neighbors.
18. Just because it was so easy.
19. You forgot a pack of menthols at my house. I smoke about one a week.
20. Your vibrator doesn’t just “smell funny”.
21. I’m actually not all that sterile after all.
22. Glacia and I secretly dated back in October.
23. I bought my LOLcat mask directly off the face of a cashier at Michael's for $10.
24. In retrospect, it was worth $100 in lolz.
25. I’m not sure if I believe in soulmates, but I wouldn’t mind at least trying with a train hopper or Barbara Walters.