Breaking News: Montrose Documentary Tonight on PBS

Tune in at 9pm to see what they have to say about our wonderful home! Write up a brief summary to receive extra credit that will help make up for that test you missed that morning when you had a killer hangover.

Karaoke 201: Advanced Techniques in Karaoke

As proposed by Dean J. Toy, Karaoke 201 will be one of the most exciting courses offered during Session A for Summer 2009 (with the possibility of sections of the course to be added in upcoming sessions). I oversaw an inservice she held recently with her top-notch team of teaching assistants--Becca, Kim, and Kathleen--and it looks like all students who enroll in this course will be in for a lot of fun. I have prepared a couple of lectures to present to compliment the Dean's lessons and there will be a special presentation by Toddicus, Grand Master of Karaoke.

Students may choose to attend course meetings on Wednesdays and/or Sundays at Guava Lamp, as well as Fridays at The Cellar. Informal sessions may occur on other nights, location to be determined. Grades will be assigned based on a variety of factors including song choice, performance style and audience reaction. Enrollment will be limited due to time restraints during each class, so be sure to sign up now to procure your spot! You will not regret it!

A New Era for UGMo

Last night marked the beginning of what I assume will rapidly become the next insane chapter in the lives of the UGMo community. Guest Lecturer Mal has returned from her semester doing research on International Relations in Spain and soon Tour Guide Ray, Dean JToy and many others will be arriving in the 'trose as well. I predict things will soon escalate to a whole new level. What the hell am I talking about, things have already escalated. Armed with a bottle of Jack Daniels (always a dangerous situation for me...), I unintentionally wreaked havoc on my own life and likely those of my fellow faculty members. I'm not prepared to divulge the full extent of my actions in this public forum, but we'll leave it at the fact that it was yet another night that I should not have left the SoMoToHo. No stop signs or cops were involved this time, thankfully, but I really need to learn to listen when Prof. Tim attempts to remove liquor from my possession. With my history, I wouldn't be surprised if others also tried to protect me from myself, but at the same time, I can't remember it if they did...

Henry

New Course Proposal

I would like to propose a new course to be taught in the UGMo Art
Department: Clever and Offensive Graphic Design. I will request that
the Drama Llama do a guest lecture series. Enrollment will be based on
a review of the students' aptitude for creating and appreciating teh
LULZ.

Mixology 101

The McNuggitini


via This Recording

Your challenge, should you choose to accept it, is to develop a more, um....delicious beverage. The most creative use of ingredients will earn you a special reward.

Other sources of inspiraton include two variations of the BLTini, the bacon-infused Old Fashioned, and the Chillantro.

Puhleeeze

Apparently, we have competition. A nonexistent neighborhood has formed out of the ashes of Ike and possibly the warehouse party Hallie, Jpatt, Karate Kid and I snuck into last fall. This comes like "a unicorn getting punched in the face," a phrase used by one EaDo promoter.

Reasons SoMo (South Montrose) beats EaDo (East Downtown):
-SoMo has greater access to TAs and guys Jpatt thinks are cute. It's also closer to the toho residents' OTL physicians/therapists/hot tub.
-EaDo has greater access to the ship channel? idek.
-SoMo has both martini bars and numerous late night TexMex hotspots.
-EaDo probably does have Ninfa's on Navigation, but that is not where "the beauitful people meet to eat."
-SoMo is a much shorter walk from karaoke at The Cellar.
-EaDo may have a grafitti "art" gallery, but SoMo has a world-class university and a classy CVS with fun, "dynamic" employees.
-Amtrak does not service EaDo.

Both seem to be equidistant to Samantha Ronson's chosen venue, but we're working on an expansion project of the patio at the toho to lure her into our sexy domain.

A Note Concerning Last Night by Visiting Professor Mal

So here's a new thing I learned. If you tell a girl that you're sterile, she'll totally fuck you without a condom. Now, I couldn't help but wonder about two things. One, how the fuck does someone even find that out about themselves? And two, how drunk does the girl have to be to believe such a line? I now know the answer to this second quandry. And the answer is "as drunk as I was last night". Lish.

-M

University of Guantanamontrose Department of Public Safety announcement

This is a reminder to both faculty and students that unless properly qualified in the fields of animal husbandry and training, dancing bears are not to be kept as pets. With the increased popularity of dancing bears as pets of the rich and famous, the desire to own one yourself is understandable. However, without the knowledge needed to correctly condition such an animal, the results can be disastrous. The university has already had one such accident, the New Years Eve mauling of guest lecturer Peter.

Visiting the university to provide a three part lecture on the subject of “Fail at life,” Peter was fortunate to have escaped with only minor abrasions and puncture wounds to his neck. He was recovered enough in a week to be prowling Prof. Rosenberg’s party for drunk, desperate women, but the next victim of a dancing bear attack may not be so lucky. We cannot reiterate this point enough; unless your are trained in the required areas of expertise, you should not have a dancing bear as a pet.

A graphic reminder of what can happen from an improperly trained dancing bear