Drunk Driving 101

Yourself from the Future says: "Don't make that call"

From 50 Cent Fridays to $250 Saturdays...

In the Fall, I will be leading a graduate-level seminar course entitled The Shitshow and Other Bad Nights: Advanced Techniques in Being an Epic Trainwreck and I did an extreme amount of hands-on research last night to prepare for what I hope to be really enlightening discussions with some of the University's top graduate students. I'm sure everyone can recall my extensive series about good decisions and bad decisions...it's kind of been a while since I've had any good examples to bring forth, but all of that changed last night. Where do I even begin...?

While most of the UniG community was at a pool party at a satellite facility in OTB, I started my night at what I foolishly assumed would be a fairly lowkey house party designed to save us money because that way we could just spend a little on a handle and mixers instead of running up a tab at the bar. Things were going smoothly enough for a couple of hours but then the handle ran out and we clearly weren't done yet, though apparently we probably should have been. At this point, it is important for me to mention that I do not have ANY memory of the rest of this story until further notice and am only relating these details as they have been told to me...

• We went to Bayou City again. Parked in a spot apparently reserved for the gay store next to the bar, went into the store first, and then the bar.
  
• At some point, I was in contact with the Dean of LULZtography and his chauffeur but I was such a trainwreck already that I became unable to operate my phone and my person and thus received a slew of very angry voicemails.
  
• I also somehow fell on the floor and regained my phone abilities (sort of) to post the following to Twitter:
  
  

  Lola i fellell on there flood. Whooke type I'd meess. Theyafe me bit bot sit on the floor. Qhllte type of mess.

  
  
  For those who don't speak drunkanese, that roughly translates to Lolz I fell on the floor. Whole type of mess. The made me not sit on the floor. Whole type of mess. Apparently bar owners don't like people to sit/lay on the floor of their bars. But he also didn't mind that I stayed at the bar, telling my friends something to the effect of "It's my job to get people wasted, they just can't be on the floor."
  
• I may or may not have vomitted both in the bathroom and outside on the patio. The bartender may or may not have done coke under the bar and then made out with my friend.
  
• Upon exiting the bar, we found that my rental car had been towed. We managed to get a ride with some other people back to the house where our night had started out so (relatively) innocently just a few hours before.
  
• At some point, I decided to pass out for a while on the couch. When I woke up, a girl was sitting on the floor near me and upon seeing I was awake, introduced herself, "Hi, I'm the neighbor and it's almost 6am." This is the first thing I remember since like 11:30 or 12.

As I slowly regained consciousness and became aware of my surroundings, I saw that people were dancing and having a great time while I had been asleep. And there was a chocolate lab sniffing me. Also, one of the bartenders from Guava was there, not one I usally get drinks from, but I recognized him and he me, apparently. He was surprised and impresssed when I said I knew who he was because of the condition I was in but even if I didn't remember the entire night up to that point, I still have a good memory of things outside of when I'm really trashed. I was then informed of the car towing situation and I didn't even really know how to process that at the time, but found my phone in the couch and fired off text to Clay just before my phone lost it's last ounce of battery life. The neighbors left, we called to find out where the car was and then went to sleep around 6:30 in the morning.

I wake up who knows how many hours later and some CD is looping the same song over and over again but I can't manage to get up to deal with it so I just remain on the couch trying to figure out what the fuck to do. Eventually we go to the place to get the car and it's in such a sketchy weird area and we had to wait for the LONGEST train ever to go by and omg it was so awful just trying to get there. But we finally made it and talked to the lady through the little window and I had to go get the rental agreement from the car, but only one person is allowed to go in there where all the cars are, IDEK why, but that's the rule. So I wander in and I'm just like "WTF how am I supposed to find this car out here by myself?" Of course it was all the way in like the farthest area.

From there, the tale does not improve for the better. Absolutely not. The rental agreement is in my mom's name and it doesn't show my name on there anywhere as being an authorized driver of the car even though my mom asked them about that and they said it was fine. So they can't let me have the car. I tried to call the rental company to try to get them to fax something over. Of course the location where the car was from is not open on Sundays, so we tried the main office/corporate number and that was a whole mess of automated menus and whatnot. And for some godforsaken reason, this man was using a jackhammer next to me while I was trying to deal with the phone call and it was really rude. The phone call did not yield positive results and I still couldn't have the car back so we just left and went to the bar, which clearly was the best possible course of action.

Fast forward a bit, my parents get back from Austin and my mom wants to go to try and get the car again. Tow yards are open 24 hours and I suppose this is like the one nice thing about them, because everything else is shitty shitty shitty. We called to find out if they'll let us have the car now but there was another problem with the rental agreement saying I was supposed to return the car on Friday, so my mom and I have to get up and go to the rental place when they open at 7:30am to sort this all out. The cost to get your car back increases at midnight so since we can't get it til the morning, it goes up from $191 to $250...which is a shit ton of money I cannot afford to throw away but it's too late for that.

FUCK MY LIFE.

The New Amtrak

skippin class,
with a shot glass,
nothin more,
glamourous



lisa d, on the scene.
and yes, that's that crazy bitch lisa from ANTM cycle 5

Faculty (and lowly staff) Gone Wild

In an attempt to catalog the events of last night, I would like to invite everyone- faculty, staff, students, and prospective students- to comment with some of their favorite memories from the event. The intersection of Yarwell and Yarwell was in top form, and I would like to congratulate everyone for making our send-off for visiting-professor Crazy Ol' Pete a success. No less than 2 liters of queso were accessed (lapped up) off a counter, an epic jtoy-jbogart nipple battle took place, two more j's reminded everyone how to properly conduct one's self in the hot tub, mariah carey performed, mascots princess madeleine and jackson might have made a baby, and maullory existed. As an aside, the department of health and safety would like to remind everyone to be aware of pool activities at all times, as beloved faculty members may or may not be being dunked repeatedly and nearly drowned by maullory. They would also like to recommend that everyone use more body control in the future, as excessive grinding may leave many faculty members questioning their sexuality at the end of the night, as well as cause more bashful students to feel alienated. In sum, I hope to speak to all of you in a few days. After you've finished drying out your phone in that bag of rice.

Studying Abroad

In addition to Dean Jtoy's list of courses for this coming quarter, I'd also like to propose a Study Abroad option. This idea came upon me when one of UG's prized students sent me this instant message from Sevilla a few minutes ago:

"haha. so i just fucked a guy and he's sitting right here. but he's spanish, so he has no idea what i'm writing!! haha!
gotta go now. just wanted to tell someone. love ya mucho mucho mucho!!!!!!"

Not only does this comment prove that someone has already begun her work on the catalogue of courses listed by Dean Jtoy, but it also demonstrates the dire need for us all to go to Spain (or anywhere but here) and get laid. In the wish of finding our own "Spring Awakening," I would like to list the possible study abroad options that lay before us. We may not all be able to go to Cabo for Spring Break with everyone and their mother in a sombrero, but we can at least find a way to go on vacation indefinitely while our parents or schools pay for it. On that note, here are some of the possibilities I am pleased to announce are available for students and faculty at the University of Guantanamontrose.

1. Shrooming in Hermann Park with friends visiting from Austin.
2. Cruising at the Bark Park with Professor Tim.
3. Getting black out and fucking in a pick-up truck bed with commentary by Mal via webcam.
4. Tubing down Buffalo Bayou with the Bringer of Lulz.
5. Living vicariously through Tour Guide Ray and Chancellor Steven's european and Thailand facebook albums.
6. Exploring the room of bathtubs through the midget door at Notsuoh's with Avsters.
7. Visiting Adam and Patrick in Austin for SXSW.
8. Stealing a plane and flying to New Orleans for Mardi Gras. Oh wait, too late...
9. Stealing a plane and flying to Duke to visit Jtoy.
10. Hijacking one of those rockets on display at NASA and flying on it to the moon. Or maybe just Seville...
11. Selling Sasquatch (or the pink, sparkled, assless chaps Justin stole from me because he's clearly sexually frustrated and in the closet) and using the money to visit Evelyn B in Amsterdammy.
12. Yarwell and yarwell.

Applications are due by March 31st (a special someone's birthday;) so start your essays!

Puhleeeze

Apparently, we have competition. A nonexistent neighborhood has formed out of the ashes of Ike and possibly the warehouse party Hallie, Jpatt, Karate Kid and I snuck into last fall. This comes like "a unicorn getting punched in the face," a phrase used by one EaDo promoter.

Reasons SoMo (South Montrose) beats EaDo (East Downtown):
-SoMo has greater access to TAs and guys Jpatt thinks are cute. It's also closer to the toho residents' OTL physicians/therapists/hot tub.
-EaDo has greater access to the ship channel? idek.
-SoMo has both martini bars and numerous late night TexMex hotspots.
-EaDo probably does have Ninfa's on Navigation, but that is not where "the beauitful people meet to eat."
-SoMo is a much shorter walk from karaoke at The Cellar.
-EaDo may have a grafitti "art" gallery, but SoMo has a world-class university and a classy CVS with fun, "dynamic" employees.
-Amtrak does not service EaDo.

Both seem to be equidistant to Samantha Ronson's chosen venue, but we're working on an expansion project of the patio at the toho to lure her into our sexy domain.

Mixology 101

CHILE CHILLER

(makes 1 drink)

A little spice added to today’s cocktails is all the rage. And fresh mint and cooling watermelon play a sexy counterpoint to the jalapeno in this summertime tequila refresher.

1 lime wedge

¼ cup watermelon chunks

3 sprigs fresh mint
1 sliced fresh jalapeno chile

1 ½ ounces tequila

¼ ounce melon liqueur

1 ½ ounces pineapple juice

Garnish: small watermelon triangle

Squeeze lime wedge into cocktail shaker, then drop in wedge. Add all other ingredients (except garnish). Fill a large glass with ice, then transfer ice to shaker and shake vigorously. Pour entire contents into large glass. Garnish with melon wedge.

Train wreck on the Uni campus

Counseling is available to both students and faculty who witnessed the terrifying events that occurred at the SoMoToHo campus last Saturday night. Our hearts go out to the victims of this tragic train wreck.