Department of Intercourses

With spring break fast approaching, it is time for students to begin thinking about next quarter's courses. Many of you have not yet fulfilled your erotic elective requirements, so I have highlighted below some of the upcoming classes we have available in the department.

Swordfighting 101: As the obvious primary sex act for gay men, this class is crucial for all homosexual males and straight girls. The lab component of the course involves learning accurate methods for measuring and predicting penile angles. Lectures will cover the debate over whether an ideal partner has a complementary or complimentary angle.

Scissoring 101: Scissoring will be taught in an analogous manner, although the lab component will be more advanced as the measured angles can exist in multiple dimensions. Discussions will involve benefits of supplementary and complimentary angled partners, as well as reasons behind the perception of scissoring as a popular lesbian activity.

Daisy Chains 101: At Uni GuantanMontrose, we recognize the importance of pleasing the group. This has been made evident through the purchasing and dispersion of taco c queso on a regular basis, road trips to jersey village to procure weed for the group, and multiple instances of group sex at the intersection Yarwell and Yarwell. This course will teach basic ways to form these chains, and exams will measure students' ability to use logic and reasoning skills when forming the layout and gender makeup of a chain.

Daisy Chains 201: According to wikipedia, "some sources consider only groups of five or more people to be a daisy chain." Taught by the bringer of lulz, this graduate level class will explore chains of this magnitude, and the lab component will focus on perfecting daisy chains that form shapes. In the future, this class may be cross-listed with the department of art if the instructor or students feel strongly that the shapes be offensive in form.

Eiffel Tower 101: One of our more conservative classes, but a great choice for those who need to learn the basics. Students must be able to attend weekend field trips to Paris as well as Las Vegas.

Materials necessary for the classes listed above include protractors, slide rules, and compasses. Tequila, air hockey tables, and hot tubs are optional, but strongly recommended. Special thanks to Hallie, for her valuable contributions to syllabi of these courses.

Mixology 101

To many, the pinnacle of 90’s beverageology was the creation of Crystal Pepsi. Yes, the infamous cola that featured the horrid taste of Pepsi in an exciting, crystal clear format. As excellent as Crystal Pepsi was, it pales in comparison to Cool Colt. “What was Cool Colt?” you ask. Why, it was Colt 45 with mint flavor.

In their ever continuing quest to make malt liquor taste even worse, the geniuses at the National Brewing Company decided their customers wanted to “experience a more contemporary taste in beer.” They believed the addition of mint would nicely accent the robust malt flavor, creating an “innovative and contemporary” drink for the homeless and other 40oz connoisseurs.

While its winter fresh flavor proved unpopular with Colt 45’s loyal customers in the ghetto, we are indebted to this short lived drink. For you see, Cool Colt is the minty, malty grandfather of Sparks and all other alcohol-infused energy drinks. So, the next time you’re with some 18 year old skank or twink who’s blitzed on Sparks, remember thank those men who were brave enough blaze the trail with such a flavor abomination.

Global Express

According to our sitemeter, we have a reader in Dubai!!

Just thought y'all should know.

Also, I just wanted to ask our reader in Dubai to please not hate me for pointing out the hypocrisy of his/her/this mermaid's land. I do not hate you as an individual; I just think your country (or rather unjust/undemocratic/suppressive kingdom) is a horrible hypocritical cauldron of sin. Anyway, enjoy your indoor, energy-sucking ski-slope  and shit.

Mixology 101

Personal experience speaks louder than words. Let's just say I've had a few of these, and MMMmmmMmMmmmmMmmm, GOTTA LOVE 'EM!

1 part water mixed with an emergen-C packet

1 part vodka

Put vodka in shaker with ice, shake until cold. Put vodka in martini glass, add water, add E-mergency packet. Stir. Serve. Enjoy!

Mixology 101

CHILE CHILLER

(makes 1 drink)

A little spice added to today’s cocktails is all the rage. And fresh mint and cooling watermelon play a sexy counterpoint to the jalapeno in this summertime tequila refresher.

1 lime wedge

¼ cup watermelon chunks

3 sprigs fresh mint
1 sliced fresh jalapeno chile

1 ½ ounces tequila

¼ ounce melon liqueur

1 ½ ounces pineapple juice

Garnish: small watermelon triangle

Squeeze lime wedge into cocktail shaker, then drop in wedge. Add all other ingredients (except garnish). Fill a large glass with ice, then transfer ice to shaker and shake vigorously. Pour entire contents into large glass. Garnish with melon wedge.