1. Approximately how much time must pass after a group of gay men enters a hot tub before one of them gets naked and encourages the rest to do the same? Discuss the results of this action.
2. Describe the appropriate way to behave in the following situations:
a. When at RICH'S to see LA's celebrity DJ Samantha Ronson.
b. When at Chapultapec and want to be served alcohol after 2am.
c. When you've had too much to drink and want to leave the party.
3. Choose three of these UGMo hangouts to compare and contrast: Poison Girl, Ernie's, Club Bridge, Boondocks, The Cellar, Guava Lamp, Boheme.
4. Write a sentence or two to explain the importance of each of these people (or groups):
a. Adam
b. Mel
c. Peter Marks
d. Bill
e. The Cops
f. Hipsters
g. The bartender from The Cellar
h. The girl from Kenya
i. SHSGs
j. The bartender from JR's
5. Create a hypothesis regarding how many nights in a row it is possible for a group of 20-somethings to get completely wasted, stay up til 3-4-5-6-7am, hook up with randoms, get cars and other property lost/stolen/towed/wrecked, eat gallons of queso, write about it all on a blog, and somehow still avoid death.
Good luck, students! I hope you have a successful end of the term and are ready to start fresh in the Spring 2009 semester.
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I am pretty sure that I do not attend your university, but I'm also not entirely sure that I don't. I hope you give out grades in different levels of alcohol, and that I get a PhD in your final. (I know how grades work.)
ReplyDelete1. Thirty minutes, depending on how many pina coladas have been consumed. Everyone knows that gays react to coconut flavored things as a delicious catalyst. Obviously the result of this would be someone producing a Carmen Miranda hat seasoned with chlorine and dreams.
2. In situation a, I would probably try not to vomit on her turntables. I know she likes gingers, but probably not to the point that she excuses them vomiting on her livelihood.
In situation b, again I would try not to vomit.
Situation c would probably yield the same decision.
3. I have never been to any of these places, at least that I remember. But as I love this university that I may or may not actually attend, there is no comparison or contrastison: I fucking love them all. And again, will try not to vomit there.
4. a. Adam is the first man made by god from dust. He is pretty lame and gullible and likes to get with chicks who are into serpents and poisoned apples; would have done equally well with Snow White vs. Eve.
b. Mel Brooks makes some pretty awesome movies, including my favorite of all time Robin Hood: Men in Tights. I bet you would never guess that he is Jewish.
c. Peter Marks is a person I don't know. He probably enjoys eating stale peeps from last Easter and capitalizing things of Significant Importance.
d. Bill the Vampire is pretty awesome. But Eric is sexier.
e. The cops are everywhere, man. They are everywhere.
f. Hipsters stole your vodka and now they hide it in their lockers at Urban Outfitters. At least they would, if their employers at Urban Outfitters gave them lockers, because they are too skinny to drink it all at once and also having lockers would be ironic and they could wear the same pants they did in jr high when they last had lockers.
g. Stop playing your love games with me.
h. Is this a trick question to make me say something about black people? I love black people. One of my best friends is black.
i. Acronyms are awesome.
j. DO YOU LOVE ME?
5. Until their IP address is compromised by artificially intelligent monkeys. Or they bribe me with lots of queso. I can't actually do anything to prevent their death, but I really like cheese.
I love you.
did you hear that i completely totaled my car and took out 2k worth of rosebushes in front of hpd on westheimer and montrose!
ReplyDeleteyeahhhh, definitely heard all about that from dan.
ReplyDelete1. Fifteen minutes, with Hallie watching. Results include unrequited love, someone not calling, and a twink slave.
ReplyDelete2. Describe the appropriate way to behave in the following situations:
a. DJ SaMANtha at Rich's: Make out with J-Toy
b. Want to get served at chalpultepec: Start yelling
c. want to leave party: Steal whiskey from the hostess, sit on the floor an drink it from a beer bottle, then leave said stolen whiskey on the sidewalk as you pile into a car with 8+ people.
3. Choose three of these UGMo hangouts to compare and contrast: Poison Girl, Ernie's, Club Bridge, Boondocks, The Cellar, Guava Lamp, Boheme.
Poison Girl is where now I go to meet SHSGs (single, hot, straight guys). Boondocks is where I used to meet SHSGs and is also the location of Cuddles' apartment, which I no longer frequent. Guava Lamp doesn't have SHSGs because it's full of the gay. But SUGGs (single, ugly, gay guys) totes want to hook up with UGMO faculty.
4. Write a sentence or two to explain the importance of each of these people (or groups):
a. Adam- rub a dub dub, three men in a (hot) tub
b. Mel - Hallie's friend I was too drunk to talk to
c. Peter Marks - sex on Steven's bed with the serial sexer Mal. He also offered to call Serial Sexer a cab when his dad took the truck in the morning.
d. Bill - um, OMFG only my mother fucking New Year's kiss, OMFG HE'S A MODEL IN CHINA, EVERYONE! MODEL, HE TOLD ME! I also may or may not have puked on his crotch in high school. But not in that way.
e. The Cops - Holy shit, did we have a run in with them? HOLY SHIT I HOPE NOT OH GOD.
f. Hipsters - They stole our vodka. I like hipsters though. I want to date a hipster. This is why I looked for SHSGs (single, hipster straight guys) at Boondocks!
g. The bartender from The Cellar - IDEK but the cellar is ridic karoake. Can I get partial credit?
h. The girl from Kenya - She started screaming about how drunk she was at The Flat. She mentioned something about liking to "kill people and steal their shit." Then she stole Avery's phone, and Avery had to follow her to her apartment complex.
i. SHSGs - What Mal and (sometimes I) seek. But deep down I just want a serious relationship with someone nice and no more crazy russells and/or hipsters in my life and definitely no more people breaking into and/or peeing in my car.
j. The bartender from JR's - Uh, did Serial Sex Mal get this one? I believe so. I remember throwing her a condom through the open window as he went down on her. He was sterile, luckily.
5. Create a hypothesis regarding how many nights in a row it is possible for a group of 20-somethings to get completely wasted, stay up til 3-4-5-6-7am, hook up with randoms, get cars and other property lost/stolen/towed/wrecked, eat gallons of queso, write about it all on a blog, and somehow still avoid death.
I created a logarithm for this, and the answer is five weeks with the exclusion of Christmas Eve.
i would just like to note that when at Chapultapec and want to be served alcohol after 2am you should
ReplyDeletea. completely ignore avery cause you are too drunk to see her and
b. kick the saloon kitchen doors in, pee outside by the dumpster, and get in your car withOUT getting dog shit on your hands