From 50 Cent Fridays to $250 Saturdays...

In the Fall, I will be leading a graduate-level seminar course entitled The Shitshow and Other Bad Nights: Advanced Techniques in Being an Epic Trainwreck and I did an extreme amount of hands-on research last night to prepare for what I hope to be really enlightening discussions with some of the University's top graduate students. I'm sure everyone can recall my extensive series about good decisions and bad decisions...it's kind of been a while since I've had any good examples to bring forth, but all of that changed last night. Where do I even begin...?

While most of the UniG community was at a pool party at a satellite facility in OTB, I started my night at what I foolishly assumed would be a fairly lowkey house party designed to save us money because that way we could just spend a little on a handle and mixers instead of running up a tab at the bar. Things were going smoothly enough for a couple of hours but then the handle ran out and we clearly weren't done yet, though apparently we probably should have been. At this point, it is important for me to mention that I do not have ANY memory of the rest of this story until further notice and am only relating these details as they have been told to me...

• We went to Bayou City again. Parked in a spot apparently reserved for the gay store next to the bar, went into the store first, and then the bar.
  
• At some point, I was in contact with the Dean of LULZtography and his chauffeur but I was such a trainwreck already that I became unable to operate my phone and my person and thus received a slew of very angry voicemails.
  
• I also somehow fell on the floor and regained my phone abilities (sort of) to post the following to Twitter:
  
  

  Lola i fellell on there flood. Whooke type I'd meess. Theyafe me bit bot sit on the floor. Qhllte type of mess.

  
  
  For those who don't speak drunkanese, that roughly translates to Lolz I fell on the floor. Whole type of mess. The made me not sit on the floor. Whole type of mess. Apparently bar owners don't like people to sit/lay on the floor of their bars. But he also didn't mind that I stayed at the bar, telling my friends something to the effect of "It's my job to get people wasted, they just can't be on the floor."
  
• I may or may not have vomitted both in the bathroom and outside on the patio. The bartender may or may not have done coke under the bar and then made out with my friend.
  
• Upon exiting the bar, we found that my rental car had been towed. We managed to get a ride with some other people back to the house where our night had started out so (relatively) innocently just a few hours before.
  
• At some point, I decided to pass out for a while on the couch. When I woke up, a girl was sitting on the floor near me and upon seeing I was awake, introduced herself, "Hi, I'm the neighbor and it's almost 6am." This is the first thing I remember since like 11:30 or 12.

As I slowly regained consciousness and became aware of my surroundings, I saw that people were dancing and having a great time while I had been asleep. And there was a chocolate lab sniffing me. Also, one of the bartenders from Guava was there, not one I usally get drinks from, but I recognized him and he me, apparently. He was surprised and impresssed when I said I knew who he was because of the condition I was in but even if I didn't remember the entire night up to that point, I still have a good memory of things outside of when I'm really trashed. I was then informed of the car towing situation and I didn't even really know how to process that at the time, but found my phone in the couch and fired off text to Clay just before my phone lost it's last ounce of battery life. The neighbors left, we called to find out where the car was and then went to sleep around 6:30 in the morning.

I wake up who knows how many hours later and some CD is looping the same song over and over again but I can't manage to get up to deal with it so I just remain on the couch trying to figure out what the fuck to do. Eventually we go to the place to get the car and it's in such a sketchy weird area and we had to wait for the LONGEST train ever to go by and omg it was so awful just trying to get there. But we finally made it and talked to the lady through the little window and I had to go get the rental agreement from the car, but only one person is allowed to go in there where all the cars are, IDEK why, but that's the rule. So I wander in and I'm just like "WTF how am I supposed to find this car out here by myself?" Of course it was all the way in like the farthest area.

From there, the tale does not improve for the better. Absolutely not. The rental agreement is in my mom's name and it doesn't show my name on there anywhere as being an authorized driver of the car even though my mom asked them about that and they said it was fine. So they can't let me have the car. I tried to call the rental company to try to get them to fax something over. Of course the location where the car was from is not open on Sundays, so we tried the main office/corporate number and that was a whole mess of automated menus and whatnot. And for some godforsaken reason, this man was using a jackhammer next to me while I was trying to deal with the phone call and it was really rude. The phone call did not yield positive results and I still couldn't have the car back so we just left and went to the bar, which clearly was the best possible course of action.

Fast forward a bit, my parents get back from Austin and my mom wants to go to try and get the car again. Tow yards are open 24 hours and I suppose this is like the one nice thing about them, because everything else is shitty shitty shitty. We called to find out if they'll let us have the car now but there was another problem with the rental agreement saying I was supposed to return the car on Friday, so my mom and I have to get up and go to the rental place when they open at 7:30am to sort this all out. The cost to get your car back increases at midnight so since we can't get it til the morning, it goes up from $191 to $250...which is a shit ton of money I cannot afford to throw away but it's too late for that.

FUCK MY LIFE.

Field Work

This weekend, a few of UniG's most distinguished faculty decided to do some hands on research in our best fields, most notably: drinking, lulzing, clubbing, and pretend to still be 20. This past weekend several of us made the trip to Austin, managing to take as many different cars as possible. The trip was equally both a success and a failure on about every level, depending on how you want to look it. I know that doesn't even make sense, but neither does the weekend; so by some twist of the Confucian balance, it must even out. I'm still unsure as to what actually happened, both to others and myself, but I figure the comments section of this blog shall serve as some sort of group consciousness/formal record.

In the spirit of the trip, I have outline a few imperatives for any future Austin course syllabus.

Things to do:

1. Have a plan.

2. Use the HOV lane.

3. Buy tubes before getting to New Braunfels.

4. Try and have someone to stay with before you arrive, and also make sure they have a key to their place.

5. Buy lots of alcohol on the drive up just incase the person you are staying with loses their key and you have to wait in the hall for 3 hours until their roommate comes home.

6. Do not drink the water. And do not pay for anything at Whole Foods.

7. Do not let anyone videotape you unless it is a news channel and you are Jtoy and Kathleen on 6th Street.

8. Go to Qua and Rain (and maybe Malaia.) Then anywhere else you can find before all the bars close at 2.

9. Eat at the newly opened downtown El Chile on Congress because they give you two free margaritas since they don't have a liquor license yet.

10. Do not already be drunk when you arrive at El Chile after getting off the river.

11. Sleep with as many people as possible.

All of this happened to the group collectively, other than number 1 of course. However, on our next trip, I propose that each of us make sure that we follow all 11 rigorously.

Required Summer Reading

I hope all students are thoroughly enjoying their Summer Session coursework and are learning a lot from their amazing professors. With about 6 weeks remaining until the Fall 2009 semester kicks off, I would like to introduce a book which I believe anyone and everyone associated with the University will find very thought-provoking and possibly life-changing. It is mandatory that anyone planning to partake in any future activities at UGMo will pick up this book at their local library or book store and take its infinite wisdom to heart.

The editorial review for Frank M. Beyerlin's Drink as Much as You Want and Live Longer: The Intelligent Person's Guide to Healthy Drinking on Amazon reads as follows:

Seems anything you do these days is an overture to trouble. Can't smoke or your lungs become festering cancer depots. Can't eat your favorite food or your arteries turn into solid lead. And we won't even mention recreational drugs. But there is one thing left. You can drink. Yes, booze. Hooch. Spirits. And you can drink as much of it as you want, whether you're a happy-hour regular downing a few highballs, a beer-swigging frat boy, or a wine connoisseur who's been told to cut down or suffer the consequences. With nutritionist Frederick M Beyerlein's system, you'll never get a hangover again. While becoming a 21st century drinker, you'll learn to protect your liver by eating the right foods and replacing the nutrients you lose every time you swallow an alcoholic beverage. Best of all, you'll learn how to really enjoy the high that comes from drinking - without the sickly aftermath.

Sounds like this book will really change the quality of life of everyone at UniG, doesn't it? So go pick up your copy today and happy reading (and drinking) !!!

Faculty (and lowly staff) Gone Wild

In an attempt to catalog the events of last night, I would like to invite everyone- faculty, staff, students, and prospective students- to comment with some of their favorite memories from the event. The intersection of Yarwell and Yarwell was in top form, and I would like to congratulate everyone for making our send-off for visiting-professor Crazy Ol' Pete a success. No less than 2 liters of queso were accessed (lapped up) off a counter, an epic jtoy-jbogart nipple battle took place, two more j's reminded everyone how to properly conduct one's self in the hot tub, mariah carey performed, mascots princess madeleine and jackson might have made a baby, and maullory existed. As an aside, the department of health and safety would like to remind everyone to be aware of pool activities at all times, as beloved faculty members may or may not be being dunked repeatedly and nearly drowned by maullory. They would also like to recommend that everyone use more body control in the future, as excessive grinding may leave many faculty members questioning their sexuality at the end of the night, as well as cause more bashful students to feel alienated. In sum, I hope to speak to all of you in a few days. After you've finished drying out your phone in that bag of rice.