Friday, January 30, 2009

UGMo Bible

I recently came across this gem--the LOLcat bible. LOLcat fans from around the globe came together to translate the bible into LOLspeak, and it was obviously a great success. It has inspired me to suggest that we, the University of GuantanaMontrose, create our own bible of sorts... perhaps without that pesky new testament. and of course, with a new view on sodomy.

Excerpts might resemble the following:

GENESIS: In the beginning there was Sam Houston. He made the SoMoToHo, Poison Girl, and the sink for everyone to vomit in. Then he made Ray and Steven. After a few months he created JPatt to help with the rent. One day, this crazy rabbit, Sasquatch, convinced Ray to do something Sam Houston had forbidden. Ray climbed a nearby tree to sit atop a carport and drink. Sam Houston punished the three, and they realized they were naked. Then there was light. It came from the light fixtures inside Banana Republic, and Ray and Steven were then clothed. Later, Sam Houston warned of a huge flood-- Ike. He created J. Toy, and put the burden of saving Houston on her shoulders. She franchised a Taco C, and gathered all of their earthly belongings, which consisted of the HIWI (Houston It's Worth It) coffee table book and 8 bottles of grain alcohol. The four lived on queso for 9 days and 8 nights, until the flood passed. When the flood was over, the foursome wandered the earth and found notsuoH, where Mirabeau B. Lamar had created and placed Hallie for safekeeping. The five went on to battle hipsters and hobos (created by JPatt and SHSG's that no one else knew about?) for control over notsuoH, and were given the ability to drink each evening to their delight. They built the holy city of Houston and all amazing things upon it in 4 weeks (the two before and the two after the day we now call Christmas), including but not limited to: Jack in the Box, Cafe Brasil, South Beach, Club Bridge, and Steven's parents house.


  1. Although I agree with Hallie, I still loves this story.

    I mean, I fucking created hipsters for the good of all (or maybe just the good of me?). Then they turned on us and stole the holy water (vodka).

    I also appreciate the tag "Guys JPatt thinks are cute"

  2. Hallie-

    Just like the real Bible, the UGM Bible should have two creation stories that conflict with/ completely contradict each other.

    You are now assigned to pen the second creation story.

  3. you are my new hero jpatt. your comments on this and the PE post are simply brilliant. dual credit and montrose dating fail- lollll

  4. Hallie,

    You, me and Tim should lolscribe a much cooler holy book, like the Zoroastrian Avesta or the Hindu Bhagavad Gita. Oh! How about Lao Tzu’s Tao Te Ching?

    "The polity of LULZ
    runs downhill, like vodka on an ice luge,
    joining with weed,
    PLU to weed."

    Ah, the wisdom of ancient, Chinese LULZ.

  5. Yarwell and Yarwell! The nexus of the universe...